December 4, 2009

I’m hoping this blog will be a positive one …

Filed under: Uncategorized — onescreativemind @ 7:36 pm

… but there is no guarantee of that.

I’m actually very fortunate in a number of ways. I have my job, my family and my friends, which is more than I’ve had at other times in my life. But I’m not happy, thats the problem. I feel insignificant for the most part, unimportant and taken absolutely for granted. I’m just ‘around’ to do the stuff at work that no-one else wants to do (like organising the office Christmas party or doing the collection for someones leaving do) whilst being looked down and not appreciated by the rest of the group,  or the dutiful daughter who picks up the tab when my mothers elderly puss gets sick or she needs a new sweater. I’m the person who is expected to take a back seat because someone elses ‘needs’ are somehow more important than mine. I can’t remember the last time someone put me first before anyone else. In fact, I’m not sure anyone ever has. If I disappeared tomorrow I’m not convinced anyone would even notice.

The above all sounds like self pitying dribble and of course it is. Unfortunately, that self-pitying dribble is what goes though my head on a daily basis. It doesnt help that I’m ‘odd’. I don’t like the one thing that everyone else in the UK seems to want to do in a weekly basis – go out and ‘get smashed’ on a Friday night and perhaps bring home a ‘stray soul’ to share the bed with that evening. Yuk. Apparently, that makes me ‘boring’. I am absolutely dreading my roller derby teams Christmas bash. I’ll enjoy the meal and the Secret Santa but once the alcohol starts flowing at a rapidly increasing rate I’ll want out of there. And heaven forbid if I ask for ‘just a diet coke’ rather than a pint of lager.

So … didnt I say this blog would be a positive one? Yes, I did so i’d better get on with it.

I dont enjoy being miserable. Far from it and in recent times have tried to do something about my feeling of isolation by getting out more and meeting new people. Roller Derby is a prime example of this. I also tried a knitting group (that was terrible) and a volunteering for a conservation trust (God, that was even worse!). Roller Derby is fab in a number of ways, and I have no intention of quitting anytime soon.  Three months in I’m even beginning to feel part of a ‘group’ – but I do worry about the social aspect of things. Hard drinking seems to be the Roller Derby way …

But I want to do more. I need to do more. And, quite frankly, I want to meet the man of my dreams. Yes, I’ve tried the internet dating thing. YUK! I know, I know, it works for lots of people but it doesnt sit well with me. I’ve also tried Speed Dating (lots of fun but not sure I want to do it again). The whole ‘personal introductions service’ thing is just insanely expensive (who the heck has £1000 to waste on that??). And in any case, everyone else in my life can find their special someone though the ‘proper channels’  – people at work, people you meet socially etc. Extremely frustrating that I dont seem to be able to do the same.

And it’s not as if I’m unattractive. OK, I’m hardly Kate Moss, but I dont look like a back-end of a bus either. And I look much younger than my age .. although sometimes i wonder if thats a curse rather than a blessing. Also, I never look ‘glam’ – I always look a bit .. I dunno .. weird. I look at other women sometimes and wonder why they all look so much nicer than me. Maybe its my personality. Or should that be, lack of one. After all, quiet people dont have personalities do they?

I havent had a boyfriend in over ten years.

Yes, you read that right. Over ten years. Urgh. And of course the men I’ve liked in that period have not been interested in me, or have been gay (yes, I know!) or have admitted they like me but are living with someone already. The last time I got hurt was probably a couple of years ago and I’m still not convinced I’ve recovered completely from that. I know I’ve taken a huge step back from all men since then – that last rejection was particularly painful.

I guess one of the main reasons for starting this blog is that I’m crap at telling people my problems. Recently, my flatmate has been asking me repeatedly what the matter is. I say ‘nothing’, or ‘I am just tired’ when actually I want to scream ‘EVERYTHING IS THE MATTER! How long have you got?’. And I’ve tried to talk to my closest friend on a couple of occasions (we will call him ‘A’ since thats the first letter of his name) and not succeeded particularly well. Hmm. Maybe I’ll invite them both to read this blog. Maybe. I suspect neither of them have the time.

Anyway,  as (hopefully) a step in the right direction, I’ve signed up to something called ‘the Food Rambler’. so, what the heck is the ‘food rambler’ I hear you cry. Well .. basically you decide to go to dinner, in a location thats not revealed to you until the last moment and you meet and eat with a load of strangers. Sounds interesting, don’t you think?  I have to confess to being a bit of a foodie (my flatmate was laughing his head off at me salivating over a Delia Smith recipe on the TV the other day …. What? It was bacon with a blackened crackling made with molasses! yum ) and if all else fails I can always just concentrate on eating! Unfortunately, the next event isnt until after Christmas now.  But I shall keep you all posted. I refuse feel miserable and lonely forever!!


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